I wrote this on May 20th 2024 and published it on my Instagram account with this picture.
Today would have been Ilse’s birthday. As I have said before, I don’t calculate how old she would have been. For to do so would be to waste time in the world of denial. Here she is 21. And part of the tragedy is that she will only ever be 21. And at the same time it was the gift that we got to have her, know her, love her for 21 of the most beautiful, wonderful and powerful years for me as her proud mom.
Despite not being ’here’. I continue to learn and re-learn lessons she taught me. As I face challenges I continue to draw on her determination, grit, perspective and humour.
I think the lesson for all of us is not to hold back. Be who we really are. Live our best self. Assume the best in others and in situations, but live with eyes wide open. Share our wisdom. So that IF you don’t get a chance to stay here- those around you can draw on your wisdom to help them get through.
It is in the darkest moments that staying next to you gets me through- the running into the ocean, the dancing in the kitchen, the singing, the listening to you playing the guitar—- all of that joy still helps me, still buoys me, still lifts me up, still holds me close.
The knowing you, the feeling seen and loved by you, still, even now, and hopefully forever, makes my life beautiful and rich and meaningful.
Ilse May Loomer-Scott born on this day in 1999- 2020
Wherever you are and however this works: I love you. 💙
The next day I wrote this
To everyone who wrote yesterday- to share songs you heard played in random and weird places around the world that you used to sing or play or dance to with Ilse, to hikes you took yesterday, to writing a beautiful story on her Forever Missed page, to choices you made that involved biking in the mountains, near the lake, to sitting quietly in nature, to enjoying a guayaki, to running into the ocean on your own or holding hands with the people you grew up with —— all of the love, all of the kindness, all of the missing, all of the music.
There is a comfort in knowing we share in that.
There is a being seen in knowing we aren’t the only one who was touched by, changed by, even better because of knowing her- because of seeing the way she saw the world. The way she saw us, and as a result how we see ourselves.
Her openness.
Her curiosity.
Her grit and determination to power through the hard things not letting the challenges stop her from achieving that which she set her sights on.
We know that.
And it is perhaps helpful that we know that together.
That we take the knowing, the missing and the love for her with us as we live, as we face our own challenges, and we carry on carrying on.
Thank you for all that you shared with me yesterday- in the comments and privately.
I appreciate those kind gifts.
I am grateful for you.
With love, always,
Ilse’s mom. 💙
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